Fundy Mail: The Tim Tebow Edition

Alright boys and girls, it’s time for another edition of Fundy Mail here at Εις Δοξαν! Today you’re in for a real treat! Today’s letter is from a gentleman in Colorado Springs, CO, who claims that he has had roughly a dozen dreams over the last couple of years that indicate revival is coming to Colorado and will spread from there throughout the nation! Isn’t that wonderful news?!? He tells more:

  1. It will be brought about not by man and churches, but by the Lord God Himself, just like in the first century with miracles, signs and wonders! SPLENDID!
  2. God is not pleased with, in fact angry, with his church for seeking the things of this world more than him. *bad bad USA*
  3. The church is not obeying Colossians 3:1-2. (who needs the rest of the bible!)
  4. He is upset with charismatic prosperity doctrine (ok, God is mad about that!).
  5. He is angry at the sin in the church, e.g. divorce, legalized adultery, fornication (especially among the youth), idolatry (TV, Hollywood), and general worldliness. Ok, some those things are all bad–two in a row!

He then shares a delightful story about two sisters in Scotland, one of whom was blind (huh?), who started praying for revival and after two years God brought Scotland’s greatest revival ever! He then beseeches pastors to do likewise. Why, you ask? I quote, “Your prayers could play a part in making my dreams a reality!” Well then, let’s get to it–we’ve got dreams to get fulfilled!

Page two is a rambling rant about some instance of a (yes, a singular) conservative Baptist pastor) and his disagreement with an organization and how that puts him in agreement with the Church of Christ. And believe me, that is a BAD thing!

But wait kiddos, page three is the most exciting of all nine–it’s a polemic against Florida and all their wicked bathing-suit-clad inhabitants!!! Emblazoned atop this page is a picture of Broncos QB Tim Tebow posing with a young lady in a bikini. Our author is quick to point that if this is really Tim (and it certainly appears to be), then this is a “man of God with his arm around a near naked young woman not his wife!” ABOMINATION!!! As you’re probably asking yourself, who is responsible for this, um, ABOMINATION? Why, who else–the state of Florida!

It is because he spent much of his life in Florida, land of nakedness, where nearly all young people go around nearly naked and cowardly pastors say not a word? As I understand it, Tim is a Baptist and so I doubt that he ever heard a sermon dealing with immodest dress of women. The beaches were not nearly so bad when in earlier decades women wore only one piece bathing suits, but now they reveal 98% of a woman’s body as above. There is only one word to describe it: SIN!!!

So, as you can see, there is irrefutable evidence that because Tim Tebow is from Florida and he is willing to participate in abominable acts means that women will feel too much pressure “to be sexy and show off their bodies so they can attract a man like Tim!” Bad Tim, BAAAAD!

Furthermore, our author believes Tim has acted irresponsibly by revealing his body. “…he must not realize that he should not frequent beaches and pools as a man of God since they are a part of the devil’s kingdom.”

Well kids, I hope you have learned some important lessons today: 1) You are to pray so that another’s dreams will become reality, 2) it’s bad to agree with Church of Christ, 3) Florida is the land of nakedness–if you live there you will be mostly naked most of the time and God will destroy you for it, and 4) stay away from the beaches and pools–they are the devil’s kingdom!

That’s all for this week! Join us next time as we read more Fundy Mail!

Αυτω η δοξα

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