Why Literal Interpretation of the Bible Can Be Bad

A buddy of mine pointed me to this web site where its purveyor begins by praying that God will destroy all sinners because he hates them *sigh*. But wait–there’s more! The author attempts to enlighten us by listing what specific sins render us worthy of eternal damnation. I guess it’s one (sin) and done (as in cooked–pardon the pun). And, sadly, the descent into absurdity gets worse–he quotes Pat Robertson. *Napoleon Dynamite-like sigh*

Here are some of the sins that cause God to hate you and seek to destroy you:

  • Women preaching in church
  • Women in church buildings without a head covering.
  • Bilingualism* (Tower of Babel)
  • Used Car Salesmen

In case you’ve not caved your skull in from beating your head against your desk, here’s a second list of sins that will send you to hell:

  • eat fruit from a tree less than five years old. [Lev. 19:23]
  • cross-breed animals. [Lev. 19:19]
  • grow two different plants in your garden. [Lev. 19:19]
  • wear a cotton-polyester blend T-Shirt. [Lev. 19:19]
  • read your horoscope. [Lev. 19:26]
  • consult a psychic. [Lev. 19:31]
  • cut your hair. [Lev. 19:27]
  • trim your beard. [Lev. 19:27]
  • are tatooed [sic]. [Lev. 19:28]
  • plant crops for more than seven years. [Lev. 25:4, Ex. 23:10-13]
  • bear a grudge. [Lev. 19:17]
  • collect interest on a loan. [Ex. 22:24]
  • insult a leader. [Ex. 22:27]
  • mistreat a foreigner. [Ex. 22:21, 23:9]
  • spread false rumors. [Ex. 23:1]
  • drive a Mercury. [Ex. 23:13]

I am really at a loss for words. Sad, pitiful, misguided, horribly deceived.  This breed of fundamentalism is among the worst and most damaging. I wonder how many of his sheeple lap up this rabble? I noticed that the site has not been updated since 2003–let’s hope this bilge-spewing dilettante has found another course of vocation or has repented.

Αυτω η δοξα,

Jason

12 thoughts on “Why Literal Interpretation of the Bible Can Be Bad

  1. Surely this guy is joking.

    Even the most hardcore fundamentalists that I’ve ever run into don’t start spouting off some off the lesser known portions of the 613 Mitzvot. I suppose that he also figures you’re going to hell if you don’t have a guardrail around your roof? (Duet. 22:8)

  2. Hate to break it to you, but this site is a joke by some anti-religious person. One of the pages (the one about their poodles [hyenas]) has a link to morons.com with a mocking picture of “Jesus,” and their bio page makes it pretty obvious too.

  3. Well, I am confused. If my existence as a female pastor consigns me and those I preach to to hell then I am powerful just because I exist. If that existence results in the eternal damnation if souls then I have the same power that God has. Wow….I didn’t realize they thought I has so much power….no wonder they don’t like me…..

  4. I understand it may be a spoof, but while reading it, they aren’t off the mark of what I’ve been taught for so many years (except for the Mercury, part; however, we were taught in my childhood that we couldn’t wear red, as red was the color which the Whore of Babylon wore – seriously, no joke).

  5. Wow, I haven’t visited an Angelfire site in…. 5-6 years I think.

    I was not prepared for the *Bilingualism*😆

  6. Everyone: Thanks for the comments and the heads-up from Craig and Esteban. I had my suspicions about it’s authenticity, but there are plenty of people who actually believe this way. Though it is not this person’s actual beliefs, that he would author such nonsense under the guise of a fundy and did so in jest doesn’t relieve him of dilettante status. Jim might even say he is destined to be one of Satan’s toothpicks. At the end of the day, my hope remains: that he find another hobby or repent.

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